Lessons of the last 25 years

Throughout life you learn, I believe the lessons you learn every day are the most important ones. These lessons are not in order of importance but grouped together in themes which

Lesson One – Change is difficult for everyone

Change can and will happen on a daily weekly, monthly basis. You need to learn that some changes cannot be avoided both good and bad. We all struggle sometimes with the change, but it’s about how you react to the change and does it affect your life.

Everything will change slowly but try and make positive changes. Go into those difficult meetings prepared for change, while you may find it difficult you could look back later and say that it was for the right reasons.

You cannot change the world on your own, or school/organisations by yourself, so find people who broadly agree and find a common position and push for the change you want to make.

Lesson Two – Prepared to be surprised, you never know when working with people

We will meet lots of different of people with experiences, you may not agree but you can learn from them. Being surprised is also never knowing what conversations, opportunities or experiences you may have had. Opportunities can arise from these conversations to get involved in new project and adventures. You need to grasp every opportunity if you want to get involved with new things.

Lesson Three – To much pressure at school and education is placed on grades, slowly you realise over the years that grades get less important

School wants you to do well because they want to do well in performance tables. This I believe creates pressure on you, but as soon as you leave education you realise it’s about experience and ability. You cannot dismiss that the grades are important, keep improving your English maths etc, as this what matters.

Lesson Four – Also, School paints a perfect picture of the world, often it’s not, I struggled to build friendships and it’s because I was different.

This follows on, the ideal vision for teachers is for you to get A’s and go on to sixth form and university. But when your young you don’t realise how hard you need to work to get these grades. School is for learning; we need more fouls on teaching life skills and helping young people to build real skills

We need an education which yes teaches English and Maths, but the personal and skills needed for the real world. There also needs to be taught about the way the world works, in areas such as politics and religion. Better education will help that, being informed off difference leads to more tolerance as people get older.

Lesson Five – Being disabled in an abled world is challenging, people often say “I can’t do that”, I’m more determined then to at least try and do them.

Disabled people face a lot of barriers from an order which is designed to support the most abled bodied person. People, I believe tell you that you can’t do something because they are scared you will fail or hurt yourself. So, if you want to do it, do it. But be careful, you need to be considered and not ones where you risk your safety.

However, don’t let your disability be used by other people as an excuse to stop you doing things you believe you can do and challenge them as to why they believe you can’t do something. Also, don’t let other people decide for you.

Lesson Six – Appearance can be misleading in two ways; I may appear as if my condition and speech make me not intelligent, but I know my stuff.

I may physically and through my speech appear as if I’m not intelligent but talk to me. Many disabled people understand and face the same challenges as you do, but don’t think we won’t understand. Do not oversimplify it unless we ask you, be prepared for us to ask questions and challenge you.

Lesson Seven – Sometimes you need to fight for things you need and chose what battles are not worth fighting

When I was young, I wanted to fight for everything I didn’t agree with but being involved with politics and as I have grown up you learn which fights are worth it. If you fight everything you will lose as it difficult to challenge everything, some of the things maybe for a reason.

You need to consider the battles you need to fight and when you win, you need to consider what you feel strongly about and what you feel you can change. But you must know your facts and the counter-arguments to build your arguments without getting angry.

Lesson Eight – People who aren’t in paid work are not lazy, choosing to live off the state there are many different reasons why.

Finding work is difficult for people like myself and that knocks your confidence. You need to understand from my point of view, working full days would be physically and mentally demanding. Having my projects with various organisations keep me motivated, but also gives me flexibility.

When I’m not physically able too or have other things going on I can drop out for a while. Also, having projects can give me chance to manage my lifestyle with my disability, I juggle things and make things my own.

Lesson Nine –You will make the same mistakes

We all make mistakes and they are sometimes the same mistakes. But while you need to remember the mistakes, you will only try to not make them. I forget things, lose things and get things wrong but that is only being human.

I have learnt never to ‘promise’ to not make the same mistakes, but only to try. Mistakes I feel are like losing things, I regularly lose things and that is because I’m forgetful, and distractions can lead to you losing or making the same mistakes. You must own your mistakes and try not to make them again. Learn and remember

Lesson Ten – I believe to really understand what really is going on around the world you need to use your own experiences, everyone’s is different but mine as a disabled person is different.

Every day we see the news at the moment about Brexit and Trump, no matter what’s going on a new cancer drug, a report on abuse and suffering we all know people or have experienced things ourselves. We need to ask why and look for the reasons people feel that way.

First-hand accounts are the most powerful, try and draw on how they feel, and you would feel placed in that situation. But, also be prepared to hear from other people, one elderly woman I have gotten to know over the years have given me valuable insight through her stories. The experience of others can be useful…

Lesson Eleven – Be aware of other people’s problems and challenges, and try to understand what you could learn.

This follows on from the last lessons, be aware of the challenges they have faced and takeaway any lessons they have learned. But don’t think of it as just a learning exercise, it’s a chance to support them. I have often junked my work, to sit with grieving widows or the person who has been a challenge and give them support.

By sitting with them you can often get a greater understanding of problems they and others may be facing. It can be challenging to understand and you

Lesson Twelve – Everyone’s got a story to tell

I say this a lot, writing and is a great line from the late Komla Dumor. These stories can be challenging, funny, or amazing, these are the stories we all enjoy hearing these stories. Like I’ve already said they give you a greater understanding by listening to these stories.

Everyone’s story is different, and that makes the people who tell these stories brave. The human element of everything we hear and read in the media, but these stories we don’t often hear. The most powerful stories I believe are the real ones.

Lesson Thirteen – Promises can be broken, forgiven. But it’s about knowing what ones to break

I try not to make or be put in a position where I make promises, it’s a big lesson. I believe we make promises because we hope to keep them but be prepared to be broken. There are two types of promises, one you try and keep and ones you keep, ideally you keep all your promises but that isn’t always possible.

Breaking promises can lead to a breakdown in trust but try to forgive and trust them. This has hurt me, meaning I am a very insular person. I feel the biggest thing is learning to accept that they

Lesson Fourteen – Know who you can trust and try to be trustworthy yourself.

This is a very important thing; throughout my life, I have been bad with keeping every secrets. As a disabled person, I feel some people believe we are all mentally impaired, and we share everything with our support network. Trust needs to be earned, but so many friends and people who have let me down.

Trust only works if it is mutual. I would never say trust someone who you’ve just met, build a relationship and see what their experience is. A good sign, I believe if they share with you something personal or what they haven’t shared with a group of people.

But, remember that trust can be gained over time and lost in a moment. Rebuilding that trust can take longer than gaining the trust in the first place.

Lesson Fifteen – Compromising is win-win but tough and you need to understand things. So, it’s important to know where you are prepared to compromise on

We all don’t like a compromise, but sometimes you need to. I admit I find it hard, in the last year looking at politics across the world both the left, centre and right have become more dug in on their red lines. I believe in finding common ground.

But, know what you want to protect and where they want a bit of giving. We don’t often when we believe we are right we find it harder to budge, but we need to sometimes. What you give to someone today, they might give back to you tomorrow.

Lesson Sixteen – Respect those you need to, and show respect and understanding when you don’t like them

Learning about respect is one of the biggest lessons, one you won’t understand that when you are young. Your normal think when you are younger falling out with friends, over little things. But respect those in positions, like a teacher or a boss, because you will need them.

As you get older, you begin to realise some of the things you were told and didn’t like when you were younger were right. But, sometimes they are wrong, you need to then find a polite way of telling them. Always respect the staff of those companies don’t often make the decision, they are just following the instructions of their management.

Lesson Seventeen – What you do good today or bad always be prepared for it to come back.

I believe that everyone has good/or sets out with intension. But the way you carry out these may cause you problems in the future. We never set out to do anything bad or wrong, but the trick I think is to not get angry and own the mistakes. I think it’s something we all learn and something that we will never get 100% right but do your best to be and make good in our world.

I believe we are all people who want things to go well, and that should be our aim in life. Kindness and doing things which help us feel good are our main goals, but if you show this when you are angry or don’t agree to keep that for later and give up.

Lesson Eighteen – Being eighteen doesn’t mean much

You think when you become an adult that the world is your oyster, things in my view stay the same or get harder. You’re an adult, but you may not understand how difficult things can be. In education, things are often wrapped around you to support you, but as you age that support you need may be harder to get.

Eighteen may give you certain freedoms, but if you get things wrong the consequences could be more severe. You, however, will always be seen as a child by your parents, try and use what they have taught you. But remember that your parents will always see you as their baby.

That is only something you will understand as you get older.

Lesson Nineteen – Love is more than between you and your partner. It’s about you and the people who mean a lot to you as people

When you are younger love you believe is between two people, that is right both right and wrong. You learn that while there is that ‘exclusive love’ between two people, but it is and isn’t. love is between people, things you enjoy and love.

I do love the things I do and want to be loved for who I am, people love me, and I love them. But I’ve learnt that as I got older, it has become easier to say ‘I love you’ to people, and more recently to straight men. I remember being at church this time last year, “I love you, I forgive you” are the two phrases we would all like to hear.

Lesson Twenty – Great design ideas can be more complicated to make. Whether that be designing a physical product or a presentation/display, think how it’s going to work

Recently I was with a group of design students, this where this comes from. I think it’s easy to dream up great plans for a project, but think about the resources, time, materials, design when it comes to making the end design.

I often see these great big projects being built and often find the finer details and functionally of the building. The best designs aren’t perfect and those that can be adapted can become the best, but they will never be perfect.

Design has the power to inspire, but it shouldn’t be about these grand buildings, or art which is perfect but the beauty. This is also about personal taste.

Lesson Twenty One – Don’t think about what you cannot do or change the things you can

There are a lot of things I can’t do because of my CP, but instead of getting upset I try and find a way of doing it. I try things, people often say to me things like, ‘I know you would help’ or ‘I can see you are finding it hard just watching.’ I am a good-natured man; I want to help and do where I can.

But I have learnt what I can and can’t do that doesn’t make it easier. I still have to force myself to say no to the things I want to do but know I won’t be able to. I try to do things, within reason, once if I believe it’s possible. I also look to say I can do that bit, but

Lesson Twenty Two – gender, sexuality, religion, belief, political views aren’t important because we are all people.

It’s wrong I believe to judge people purely on their beliefs or sexuality because at the end of the day we are all human. I think it’s impossible for anyone to live a sin-free life, but we will never all going to agree. I try to avoid stereotypes as I’m always stereotyped because of my physical limitations.

Working with a church and being gay is often seen as contradictory, I don’t believe it is because as my colleague says, “Love your enemies and pray for those that persecute you”. Women shouldn’t be secondary to men.

I think all faiths, and people of no faiths, tell us to love, accept and forgive.

Lesson Twenty Three – Beliefs and political views aren’t an excuse to hide behind when you are offending people

I believe that some people in public life use their beliefs as a reason to be prejudice against people are because of misunderstandings. We often hear the religious community, but not all, fight against LGBT issues, we need to protect our beliefs.

I believe that those who put up these views want to cause debate, but they know that society won’t change those tolerant views. We are not always going to agree, but how you understand say religion is a personal choice and needs to be remembered. It’s the responsibility of the person not the faith to spread hate

Lesson Twenty Four – Listen

I admit I am not always the best listener but following instructions can be important. They are saying it for a reason, often it is to look after you, make sure you think what you might be able to learn from others. Listening and retaining the information is important, but I often find it hard to do.

I don’t believe you must always follow that advice but learning from others is the biggest thing we can do. Listening can make us understand the other point of view, argue if you disagree, but don’t get angry as it undermines your agreement. Try to understand the other side, to try and use facts to back up your point. As a writer/journalist I always try to balance the other point of view

Lesson Twenty Five – These lessons continue to evolve and will not always be the same meaning.

These are only lessons from twenty-five years, but they will continue to evolve over time. You will need to sometimes change the lessons, understand why they may be wrong and adapt them. I say no lesson is always learnt…